Musings of a Database Conversion Scribe

Day 1: Today I was bestowed the honor of writing a data transformation diagram for our current major conversion project to ensure we don’t miss any of the legacy data and have a place for everything in the new system. Apparently the diagrams I’ve written in the past have been deemed “useful”.  Sweet! This new diagram will be glorious!

Day 2: Source tables? Check. New tables? Check. Data dictionary for the legacy system? Check. The requirements documents? Check. What more could I possibly need?

Day 3:  Scripts. The scripts that load all the data. That’s what I need… all 126 of them… and apparently there are other scripts in a different location… yay.  Well, it could be worse. At least I should have all the load scripts.

Day 4:  Two tables diagrammed, three diagram revisions and only 130 some tables left to go. *promptly pours coffee dark enough to destroy planets*

Day 11: Six scripts to load two tables from one table. Seriously? Am I being punkd? *cautiously peers around with fading glimmer of hope*

Day 17: No matter how much I stare at it, I know this diagram won’t finish itself. On the bright side I have only… 120 more tables to go… *exhales morosely*

Day 22: *chants to self* Visio is my friend. Visio is my friend. Visio is my friend…

Day 39: Coffee is my co-pilot! Today will be the day! I will get this done! *reads emails* One of the production servers is down? No, wait. Make that two. *mutters incoherently*

Day 42: *reviews help tickets* Only five tickets today. That’s not too bad. Oh wait. I have meetings all day and tomorrow too.  *slowly trudges to first meeting coffee firmly in hand*

sql_aaaarghDay 45: Over 55 update statements for one table? Really? Oh and that’s not the only script with 50 something update statements. Why would I think there’s only one? No, of course not. Silly me. *wistfully dreams of something stronger than coffee*

Day 49:  Back to the diagram! *reads the next table load script* Why did they hard-code all those values? Did I just see a cursor? I’m missing a script for this table! How the !@#% did they load this table?  *sends email to the team* What do you mean no one knows how it got loaded? *grumbles then pauses for a moment*  Oh wait. That was me. I wrote that script. *writes heartfelt apology to team* Now where did I put the script? *discovers it was with the other scripts all along… decides it’s a good time to take a nice, long coffee break… down the street…*

Day 51: Met with manager-person to happily show off the progress I’ve made on my super cool Visio diagram only to embed my dark cursed soul pitifully rotting on the office floor  find out he really wanted a spreadsheet instead. *stares blankly in silence for a few moments then briskly treks back to desk determined to make the best spreadsheet ever!*

Day 51: Spent countless hours (okay, four… maybe six) searching for the long-lost spreadsheets I know I’ve seen that were conjured written by insane people others who attempted this. Ha! I found… one!  *stares incoherently at blank spreadsheet for an undetermined amount of time*

Day 59: *checks the database servers multiple times for any errors* What else can I work on? There has to be something! Anything! *pesters Oracle DBAs*

Day 64: *glares defiantly at the six scripts that load multiple tables from one* It silently stares back, mocking me. Daring me to continue. I trudge on in silent affirmation of my path. The urge to give up is strong. I refuse to let it win. Today will not be that day.

Yep. It really does make complete absolutely no sense to me whatsoever

Day 77: It loathes me. It taunts me. When I look away, it does the things. *whispers* I think it’s watching me…

Day 81: I’m itchy. Why am I itchy? OMG! Are those hives?

Day 95: @#$! nested correlated subqueries!  nolock hints!  umpteen gazillion updates!  missing scripts! *shakes fist in air* @#$%^ CURSE-ORS!

mutterings from the tenth circle of hell

cycle 180 of darkness: it getsss the coffeee… it writesss the thingsss… thirty moresss to goesss…

*co-worker cautiously taps “Rebecca” on shoulder* “Uh, Rebecca? Are you done yet?”

Murmurs in raspy voice, “Rrrrrr! I am Curse-Orrr! Doomed to repeat in endless cyclesss of nolock hintsss!” *twitches as if stuck in an infinite while loop*

*fearless database team scrambles to implement daring intervention ritual*

  • Outlines large asterisk on floor with duct tape.
  • Lures the DBA formerly known as “Rebecca” into center of asterisk.
  • Strategically distributes crispy bacon around “Rebecca” while deftly avoiding soul-less gaze.
  • Hurriedly executes command:  select soul into body from void where person like ‘%Rebecca%’

Results: *in guttural voice* “I am RebecCaNana!”

(1 row(s) affected)

Apply Test: “Are cursors bad?”

Results: “Yessss! Cursorssss baaad!”

“Close enough!”

*rocking back and forth whimpering* cursors bad. cursors bad. no. more. no. more.

*sniffs the air… stops rocking gingerly lifting head up* bacon?

*swiftly  grabs the bacon and eagerly munches on it while madly typing away at the keyboard once more*


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