Can’t Group This

Yep! Another one! This is another one of those dratted fun and exciting posts inspired by a co-worker planting a little seed in my brain many months ago. It was fun to write and took a long time. I had no idea the song was THAT long! *sigh* Sadly (depending on your point of view), I have another one already in the works. Writing these parodies is actually a great stress reliever for me. It’s not perfect but I hope you enjoy it anyway! One of these days I’ll get back to a more serious post.

Can’t Group This

A SQL parody of MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This” 

You can’t group this
You can’t group this
You can’t group this
You can’t group this

Your, your, your query puts me on guard
Makes my day, now I’m floored
Spank you for stressing me
With a query to fix, no time to Tweet

It’s not good when you know you see
A distinct group by in a CTE
And I’ve seen so much
And this text field, uh, you can’t group

I told you, Code Boy
You can’t group this
Yeah, I’m too forgiving and you know
You can’t group this

Look at this code, man!
You can’t group this
Yo, let me bust the funky queries
You can’t group this

Fresh conflicts, no grants
You can’t do that, now, you know you wanna code
So move, onto your feet
And let this Princess do a CTE

While I’m codin’, hold on
Drop this data bit and I’ll show you what’s goin’ on
Call that, sys stats

Stuck in recursion so roll it back
Let me know if this is too much
And this image, uh, you can’t group

Yo, I showed you
You can’t group this
Why you doin’ this, man?
You can’t group this

Yo, what the hell! Try again, busta
You can’t group this

Give me a sum on a whim
Or better yet, that’s why I’m codin’ em
Now, you know
You talkin’ about aggregates, you talkin’ about some rows

Data types, that’s right
Varchars are maxin’ so set them just right
No escape, just merge
What’s it gonna be in your T-SQL search

Distinct? Admit
It’s not that hard, you need to drop this bit
That alias you know…
You can’t group this

You can’t group this

Break it down!
Stop, summarize!

Get outta this funk, go ahead
Write your funky code like this so the server won’t drop dead

So run your scans on this “where”
Adjust your views, run your try-catch with some flare

Make it fit, join with inner
Code like this and you’re not a beginner
Remove, tried and dumped
Wait just a minute don’t do that! Thump, thump, thump

Yeah… You can’t group this
Hey, man! You can’t group this

Get better with code. Oy! It’s time to grow 

You can’t group this
Be alert, start again

You can’t group this

Break it down!
Stop, summarize!

You can’t group this
You can’t group this
You can’t group this

Break it down!
Stop, summarize! 

Any time with CTEs
Let your fingers take flight
There’s code to explore and heaps of queries to write.

Now you can start coding with some success
With others writing queries that make you guess.
A new world, unfurled, from awkward to child’s play
I concur, you defer, and we’ll infer, uh, no duhr
And they all can go away.

You can’t group this
You can’t group this
You can’t group this
You can’t group this

….

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