Meme Monday: Are the Planets Out of Whack or What?

If you’ve ever wondered if your servers’ behaviors corresponded with the alignment of the stars and planets, then you’re not alone! Just for fun, Thomas LaRock (a.k.a. SQL Rockstar – Blog | Twitter – founder of Meme Monday) tasked readers to come up with SQLstrology or SQL horoscopes. I decided to try my hand at writing a daily horoscope just for dealing with servers. It’s all in good fun so I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I had in writing it! 🙂

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

Keep your chin up today! While Aries servers tend to be impatient and bore easily, they thrive on adventure. What you may perceive as a pain in the drive, your Aries servers are just having some fun! Granted, it’s probably at your expense. So when those processes hang out in never-never land and commands just don’t seem to work, remember this. Powershell is your friend! Today’s lucky color is whine… err, wine.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

Being the first earth sign of the zodiac, Taurus servers are very dependable and stable. However, today may not be a good day to patch these servers as you had planned. They are not fond of change and may resist your patches due to their profound fear of the unknown. Deeply sensitive, take care to not insult your servers either or you may find them unresponsive. Bull-headed, persistent, and stubborn, your Taurus server may perform best as a Policy-Based Management server. Lucky color is champagne.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Your Gemini servers tend to be very independent and do not like to be pinned down by anyone or any rules. Hence, you may have difficulties with group policy updates today. However, they are masters of communication. In fact, they are the ultimate social butterfly of the zodiac! So watch out for social media applications popping up unexpectedly on these servers. You may also want to take a closer look at your Twitter followers. Today’s lucky color is Georgia peach.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Prone to wild mood swings, watch out for unpredictable behavior from your Cancer servers today. One minute everything is fine and dandy. The next thing you know, you have deadlocks up the wazoo! While harmony is very important to your Cancer servers, they don’t deal well with conflict. Remember that they’re ruled by the Crab. So don’t forget the cocktail sauce. Lucky color is blue lagoon.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 21)

Drama Queen. Spotlight Hog. All Mighty Powerful King or Queen of the Server Room. Sound familiar? Leo servers love to be the center of attention and in control. While they tend to view the server room as their “kingdom”, they actually work best in a group setting. Midday may bring an important and interesting realization about their imposed function versus what they’re really up to. That slurping sound you hear could be resources being lapped up like um… don’t ask. Keep in mind your Leo servers are ruled by the Lion. So beware of naming any servers after sweet little tasty animals and keeping them too close to your Leo servers. Today’s lucky color is red lion. On second thought, camouflage may be a better choice.

Virgo (Aug 22 – Sept 23)

Focus your energy on your Analysis Services servers today. Don’t dwell on their past mistakes. On a never-ending quest to bring order to chaos, your Virgo servers will become invaluable aiding you with that oh-so important report that is past due. Beware of indecisiveness. It could be your downfall. Trust your instincts and in your servers’ ability to solve problems logically. Avoid heavy lifting and bacon-slinging monkeys. Today’s lucky color is blue monkey.

Libra (Sept 24 – Oct 23)

Today is your lucky day! Your easy-going Libra servers are eager to please you! Today may be the ideal day to bring up that replication idea you’ve been contemplating. No! Not that idea! The other one! The one that won’t get you fired. As the diplomat of the zodiac, your Libra servers strive for harmony and peace. They are adept at seeing multiple points of view. So try your ideas out on them first. Since air is unpredictable and Libras are an air sign, beware of sudden thunderstorms and co-workers quacking like ducks. Think sunshine. Today’s lucky color is purple rain.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Keep a close eye on your mysterious Scorpio servers today. While they are resourceful, they can become downright moody for no apparent reason. On the bright side, since they are naturally suspicious of others they will keep a close eye on the other servers for you. Beware of ulterior hidden motives as they are also extremely ambitious, powerfully persistent and determined. Treat your Scorpio servers as the prince or princess they are and you will be dazzled by their brilliance. Lucky color is dark, luscious, velvety chocolate.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)

Lighten the load on your Sagittarian servers today or you may find they’ve taken an unofficial virtual road trip far, far away. Ruled by the explorer, don’t be surprised to find your GIS (Geographical Information Systems) servers are actually Sagittarians. Their craving for adventure and excitement is part of their drive to learn and explore. Give them freedom, and they’ll give you their best especially when there’s a crisis. Unfortunately for you, they possess a great sense of humor. Today would be a great day to check your backups. Today’s lucky color is sangria.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 20)

Patience needs to be your virtue today for your Capricorn servers are all about being in control of their surroundings, even if it doesn’t mesh with your ideas about control. Extremely patient, they will wait for the opportune time to do what they want. Your best bet is to introduce new changes slowly so they can get used to it. If all else fails, feel free to employ a sledgehammer. Lucky color is black velvet.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

Very unpredictable and erratic, Aquarius is the most advanced thinker of the zodiac. Be wary if these servers start to question their own existence… or yours! Don’t worry, though. For all their intelligence, they possess the emotional depth of a turnip. On second thought, maybe you should worry. Their ruling planet is Uranus. Enough said. Today’s lucky color is purple haze.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Today may be a good day to stay in bed for the planets are surely out of whack. Born under the sign of self-undoing, Pisces servers tend to be their own worst enemies. Their indecisive and overly sensitive nature may lead to self-pitying today. Help them feel more positive about themselves with uplifting comments such as “My! What a big drive you have!” or “No! That case doesn’t make your port look big!” As the last of the water signs, these are the most spiritual servers of all and tend to dabble in the occult and paranormal. Do not be surprised to find ghost programs showing up at odd hours. Lucky color is white lady.

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